I feel like in the matter of 4 months my life has begun to spiral out of control. Like I’m stuck in some sort of sleep paralysis or outer body experience. I’m watching myself lose control from afar and no matter how hard I cry, kick or scream, there’s nothing I can do to stop it. I’ve started to question EVERY decision I’ve ever made in life. First and fore most, my marriage. This scares the shit out of me. Have I made a mistake? Do I still love him? Is this just my depression talking? I can’t figure out what is real and what are the lies my brain likes to tell me.
We met about 4 years ago. He was the polar opposite of my emotionally abusive, narcissistic ex- boyfriend. He was kind, thoughtful, attentive, he listened to me, and most of all, he was head over heals in love with me. He even told me so after two weeks. We spent every moment together. Within a couple months he practically lived with me. Believe me, I know what you’re thinking. It’s crazy! Too much, too soon. Now, I would agree completely. 22 year old, damaged, emotionally messed up Savannah thought it must be true love. How could any of this not be okay?! He loves me!
LOVE IS NOT ALWAYS ENOUGH.
I don’t feel I’m in a partnership. I don’t feel like I’m part of a team. Isn’t that what marriage is?! I feel like I’m a parent to a 31 year old man child with no motivation or drive. It’s draining. I’m constantly exhausted.
As of now, I’m doing what I can do better myself and my mental health. I have no idea if these feelings I’m having are valid or if it’s self sabotaging anxiety and depression. I’m taking my meds, I’m going to therapy, I’m trying to find productive hobbies… I’m just trying to fix myself.